Patton Lee Beaugus | November 28, 2010 2:45pm

Between Two Rocks And A Soft Place

Those of you with the memories of pachyderms or revenge-seeking ex-wives may remember that my last blog left me engulfed in a cloud of cigar smoke, trapped between hard-ass HiTone and my dream girl, Gun Molly Walsh.

There I was in the big corner booth at Rudy’s Bar in Hell’s Kitchen wondering what I’d fallen into, looking up at a mustachioed wide-body in a pinstriped suit, who seemed to come with his own Christmasy Theme Music, with Christmas Bells, even.

This text will be replaced by the flash music player.

“What’s going on?” asked Louie. All three of my new acquaintances talked at once. “She’s telling this outsider the plan.”

“She says he’s The Guy.”

“Just downloading our Christmas Songs.”

"This can't be the place! The Pig isn't even checking IDs. There are fake Santas in every big store."

“I just got here.”

“She pulled her sissy glock on me.”

“My song is mixed!”

In the silence that followed, Louie said nothing to them, but looked directly at me and smiled, sticking out a paw. “I’m Louie… the producer of this thing.”

Molly looked incredulous, “Producer?”

“I’m Paddy.”

Molly put a hand on my shoulder like she was vouching for me.

HiTone added, “She wants us to bet the entire caper on a slack-jawed beer-soaked Mick.”

Molly grinned at him. “Yeah, what we need is another cartoon-fixated WOP.”

I couldn't tell if they were kidding around or they really didn’t like each other.

"We'll probably get shot down in the street, anyway."

Louie frowned a question at Molly. She nodded, smiling.

Gesturing to the empty bench seat next to HiTone, Louie asked “May I?”

I nodded. If HiTone was intimidating, this soft-spoken guy was absolutely dead scary. He looked like an ex high school shot put champion who grew up in the cartage business tossing bodies around instead of 16 pound balls.

“Your Mac?”

I nodded again.

“Do you get decent WiFi here?”

He had a look that made me think that shaking my head “no” instead of nodding in the affirmative was a bad idea. As I’m now in the habit of nodding instead of talking, I did it again. I saw Vinnie and Molly nodding with me.

“It’s perfect.”

"Did Clydie make it through?" he asked Molly.

"I don't think so. Her signal doesn't register."

"I knew it, we're screwed blue." said the little guy. "Bluer than HiTones suit."

"We'll just need to make another stop or two," said Molly. "We knew going in this wasn't going to be easy."

Louie turned to me. “What have you heard?”

What have I heard? “Molly’s rap and his Most Wonderful Time parody,” I answered unsurely — like it was a test I hadn’t studied for. He kept staring at me. “They were pretty good.”

He gave me a hard look, like he thought I was bullshitting him. I tried to put on my sincere look, but it hasn't fit for a long time.

It occurred to me I might have fallen in with evil companions, even more so than the normal Rudy’s clientele of toothless Westies, sucker punchers, guys who steal ATM machines, social security impersonators, and dealers in party favors. And these guys weren’t regulars at all.

What were they doing in a Hell's Kitchen joint like Rudy's on Christmas Eve, assuming they had any place else to go?

And why did Molly want me with them? And what was I doing there with them? And why?

Why? Maybe it was because I attracted evil companions, because I always wanted to be evil. I did!

Next: Evil Calling