Patton Lee Beaugus | December 4, 2010 12:45pmBeer Crisis
Louie noticed me getting antsy and looking around for somebody in this dive bar who owed me a drink instead of the other way around. I saw nobody who could help me. Kennedy and his pack of wild ones were there, and I'd bought Kennedy more than a few rounds, but that was expected, and was like buying health insurance you didn't want to get cancelled, so I wrote him off as a possible mark.
“Looks like we need a round of drinks. You want another, Paddy?"
I nodded. I think I would have nodded 'yes' to anything Louie asked me, just to be safe, but this was an enthusiastic nod. A nod that give you whiplash. Going more than two minutes without a beer in front of me makes me look like I need a paper bag to breathe into.
"What’re you having?”
As there are no waitresses at dive bars like Rudy’s, I thought this might be my chance to escape the booth. “Allow me,” I said trying to get up. "I'll fly if you buy," which is my mantra.
This offer didn't seem to have the desired effect. I decided to sweeten the deal, "Anybody want hotdogs? I'll get those, too." Of course, the hotdogs were free, so I wasn't really going out on a big financial limb, especially if I overtipped Yolanda out of their money, which might earn me a buyback later in the evening. You gotta plan ahead in this world or you'll end up in Hell's Kitchen at a joint like Rudy's bar without the three bucks to buy a brewski. On Christmas Eve, even.
A very small glance from the wide guy directed at Vinnie had the short dapper dude popping up.
Vinnie sang in a Sinatra-ish voice , "Fly me to the bar, and I'll buy us all a brew."
"Vinnie's got it," said Louie.
The betuxed one seemed to already know what the others were drinking. “What flavor beer, Paddy?”
“Rudy’s Red.” It was the second cheapest beer. I hate guys who upgrade when somebody else is buying, but I admit I considered it. Hey, there’s a little larceny in everybody. In my case, not enough to do me any good.
Yolanda the cute barmaid moved down quickly from the other end of the bar toward Vinnie, like she’d been watching us.
“Did Molly explain the concept behind our… cd?”
I must have looked as clueless as I felt. I shook my head in the negatory directions. They didn’t look much like a singing group, but they did look like they were in costume. I wondered if the other two were carrying guns like Molly and HiTone, and if so, why so? The neighborhood isn’t that bad.
Vinnie returned quickly with the drinks — setting a new land speed record for a round trip. Other than my pint, they were all double brandies in snifters.
“We’re turning Christmas Carols into drinking songs." said Louie.
"Mostly beer drinking songs, because Louie's the biggest beer distributor in Jersey." said HiTone, proudly.
"Losing money in 16 dimensions." added Vinnie.
"We sing about other liquors, too,” put in HiTone. "It's not like we're a one trick pony."
"We do sing about the liquors I handle," added Louie. "But mostly about beer."
And with absolutely no segue, they broke into the following song.
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The Beeriest
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The beeriest, beeriest, beeriest beer of the year. We wish you the beeriest, the beeriest, Yes, the beeriest. Yes, the beeriest. We wish you the beeriest, the beeriest, the beeriest Yule cheer. We wish you the happiest, the happiest Yes, the happiest. Yes, the happiest. We wish you the happiest, the happiest, the happiest New Year. May your fridge be filled with Bud. Beer for all to cheer. May your heart be filled with suds to here, and happiness and cheer We wish you the happiest, the happiest Yes, the happiest. Yes, the happiest. We wish you the beeriest, the beeriest, the beeriest Yule cheer. And a Happy New Year. |
The song was kind of hypnotic. They all stared at me as they sang the silly lyrics, which somehow resonated deep with in my psyche, probably the part that dreams of beer. Posed there was a tall gorgeous babe the likes of which Rudy’s hadn’t seen since Drew Barrymore’s krewe of supersluts used to hang at this very booth, with forays into the big backyard to powder their noses. Louie waved at her and the babe headed our way. |
