Patton Lee Beaugus | December 11, 2010 12:45pmBackstory: Wassailing LLC
I was drinking VSOP on Christmas Eve in the backyard patio of the strangest bar in Hell's Kitchen wondering what these cartoon gangsters had in mind for me. Was I going die? Was I going to raped by Molly and D'Oliya? Was I going to get another drink?
But I had more questions. Were they going to make their window of improbablility, and if they didn't what would it mean to them? And to me? Would I get a another drink?
"When is Clydie coming?" asked D'Oliya. "It's getting late. We need time to set up."
To add to all my other questions: who the hell was Clydie everybody was waiting for?
Louie came over, mic in one hand and drumsticks in the other. Or maybe they were nunchuks. Or maybe they were both. Drumchucks?
“Allow me to explain. You know we sing and play under the name of the BuddaBings Partymob.“
“Sing and other things,” added Vinnie.
“We’re diversified, “ claimed HiTone.
“Wassailing LLC,” said Louie, "a dues paying member of the GalMauro Crime Family."
Vinnie broke into song. "Here we go a wassailing, and breaking into homes. Heisting all the silver and stealing garden gnomes."
He stopped and everyone stared at him.
“Needs a little work,” said Molly kindly.
“Especially the ‘stealing garden gnomes’ part.” added HiTone.
"You hate it!" whinned the little guy. "I totally suck!"
“The concept is good,” said D’Oliya putting her arm around his shoulder, pressing his cheek into her marvelous breasts.
I could tell Vinnie appreciated their kindness. “I thought about rhyming ‘breaking into cribs’ with ‘stealing babies’ bibs.’ But that didn’t quite work either.”
"Sinatra didn't write his own material, either." said D'Oliya. That seemed to perk up the dapper dude.
These guys acted serious, but how could they be serious about String Theory and stealing garden gnomes. It was crazy, even for the kind of people I usually met at Rudy's Bar.
Louie took me aside pouring a little more brandy into my glass, “I love Christmas, as you know. I love it so much I want to improve it. Make it better. Give it a 21st century facelift.“
“Our Lite-fingered Louie is a visionary Republican businessman,” said D’Oliya. “He’s like a Jersey Bill Gates of cartage and numbers and private insurance for small businesses.”
(Put in parody of Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Taking Care Of Business")
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Hi-Tone said proudly, “We made $8.75 on bets. Each! And we never looked back. Except when we were being chased.”
“We figure taking over Christmas is gonna be a lot more profitable,” said HiTone.
"If we don't get killed in the process," offered Vinnie.
"It's just good business," added Louie, ignoring Vin.
"When we take down the FatMan and Louie becomes The Claus," said D'Oliya, we'll be on Easy Street."
"Or in the cemetery," added Vinnie.
What did that mean? 'Louie becomes the claws?'
"Easy Street." repeated D'Oliya.
"Maybe, if Clydie ever shows up," Vinnie wet-blanketed.
"Easy Street!" screamed D'Oliya, reaching under the slit in her dress, where she kept her weapons.
"Okay, Easy Street... probably the one in Toontown in the Gumby dimension where all the werewolves are cops, and everybody has athlete's foot."
"I give up," said D'Oliya, grabbing the little guy and pulling his face into her cleavage.
