Patton Lee Beaugus | December 13, 2010 12:45pmClydie Deerest
I was stunned. None of this made any sense.
Maybe I'd been transported to Fantasyland. I had thought the BuddaBings PartyMob had a kidnapped a blogging barfly, aka me. I thought we were in the backyard patio of a dive bar in Hell's Kitchen. But maybe not. Maybe it wasn't Christmas Eve. Maybe it was Groundhorse Day.
I now seemed to be in a place where a flying Clydesdales just popped in with red 57 caddies in tow. And that aforemention caddy was full of more stuff that a Lady Gaga tour truck, and was packed like Harpo Marx pockets in which there was no end to the stuff that you could get out of there. Now my companions were doing a Keystone Cops imitation and constructing some kind of something in what was Rudy's backyard. Crikees!
"Did you know Clydie was a star in a Budweiser Christmas commercial?" bragged Louie as he quickly and effortlessly set up a big-ass Christmas Tree he'd yanked out of the trunk. Man, oh, man, it generally took me longer to open an umbrella, if I'd had an umbrella. If I had one, it'd be an umbrella that some kind person had left in the bar, just so I wouldn't get my Salvation Army bin clothes wet. Anyway, the Christmas tree went up fast.
"Molly told me that, I think." I wasn't quite sure of anything right then, as I watched them hustling like a tarp crew at the beginning of a rain delay.
Clydie pawed the ground modestly, like the big dumb horse with the big dumb fake antlers could understand.
Behind me I heard Molly say, “But now our girl, Clydie Deerest, is gonna be the new Rudolf.” I saw Molly was setting up some kind of techie stuff. It had like plasma screens folding up and out of a long table which I swear on my EBT card, was not there 30 seconds ago.
Vinnie and HiTone were putting together something made out of sheets of the bricky stuff. Shit! It was a fireplace.
I looked over at Louie's tree which was already plugged in. It looked like a real tree with lights, and ornaments. Ornaments that looked like Louis and the gang in Santa and elf outfits. The instant tree seemed to have a parabolic star on top that turned in circles like a radar dish.
They sang as they worked. What else?
This time a tune ripped off from Chuck Berry called Run Run Rudolf. Well, everybody has always ripped off Chuck Berry and by now he was used to it, but I think they were talking this song-knockoff thing to extremes.
This text will be replaced by the flash music player.
Out of all the reindeer You know you're the mastermind Beer run, Rudolph, Gotta get the beer before 9 Beer run, Rudolph, Flydeer’s gotta get us some brew Santa make him hurry Tell him take up to mach 2 Beer run Rudolph 'Cause we want to party with you. Said Santa to the brotha, 'What have you been longing for?' All I want for Christmas is a ice cold Budweiser case. Then away went Rudolph, whizzin into outer space. Beer run Rudolph, Rudy’s gotta get us some brew Santa make him hurry Tell him take up to mach 2 Beer run Rudolph 'Cause we want to party with you. Said Santa to the sister, 'What would please you most to get?” A sleigh full of cocktails that will get this party on Then Rudolph burned rubber, In an instant he was gone. Beer run Rudolph, Rudy’s gotta get us some brewv Santa make him hurry Tell him take up to mach 2 Beer run Rudolph 'Cause there’s no party hearty without you. |
It was like they were constructing a four walled room, but without walls. The fireplace created like one wall space. It even had a mini chimney. Molly turned on her “electronic wall” and now her equipment looked like it could be an upgrade for an Air Traffic Control Tower. Or a Pentagon War Room in a video game. D'Oliya hung striped stockings on the mantle of the fireplace, including one that says “The Guy.” Was that for me? As I watched them more, I started to think it looked like minimalist set for a low-budget off-off-broadway show. But this stuff was not low budget at all. |
HiTone
dropped a log in the fireplace.
Next to the fireplace, D'Oliya set up a table with Milk and cookies. Milk and cookies?
"Don't forget the cocoa," said Vinnie. "You never know."
Know what, I wondered.
"And a snifter of brandy," said Louie. It's a cold night.
"And maybe a cute red thong," said HiTone with a leer.
There was so much going on so fast, I was spinning like a figure skater on speedballs. Maybe this was a Christmas set for a non-union music video.
I heard a whoosh and turned to see the Yule log burning like a super nova, and felt the heat blast off it like I was leaning over the top of it, even though I was ten feet away.
This setup must be for a music video. But why in the world sneak it in and set up in the bar's cold empty backyard patio? Maybe they had to be somewhere where nobody could see them because it was going to be so sexy. Probably not. It was too cold for traditional rap video costumes, but I could wish, couldn't I?
"Hustle it up," cheerled Louie, although it looked like they were already hustling their hustling.
HiTone's fire was hot, hot, hot and pretty soon
it started to get warm. Hell of a fireplace, I thought.
I was getting warm. Everybody was getting warm.
On the only empty edge of the square D'Oliya had set up a coat rack with hooks. One at time, between set-up tasks, they took off their coats and hung them up. I was hanging my winter coat up, too as the song ended, and Clydesdale said in a fuzzt little girl voice, “Why don’t I get to sing the reindeer song?”
The big stupid looking horse with the stupid fake antlers talked! It talked. Unless there was a ventriloquist among the mob. Or maybe I’m going wacko. Have I fallen into a Nick at Night Christmas episode of Mr. Ed Meets The Sopranos?
“Clydie, you can’t sing this one because you have the lead on our big hit song, Chugga-luugga Christmas.” said D’Oliya, rearranging the Milk and Cookies table more to her liking.
“If I can't sing, I want the words to be Beer Run, Clydie.”
D'Oliya whispered to me, “D-I-V-A.”
"Okay," said Louie, "We'll make it Beer Run, Clydie when we record it for the cd."
I thought, “How is this happening? A talking Clydesdale, and these folks taking it for granted?
I totally questioned the reality of this, like was there LSD in my beer or brandy. Or have I somehow entered an alternate reality? If there were an alternate reality, Rudy’s would be a good portal. But WTF?
Where was Ashton hiding with his krewe?
