History Lesson
As I went back into the bar to deal with my personal recycling program, I glanced back to see the gang huddling up in their Christmas set. They were obviously planning something. But what? The Clydesdeer lifted her be-antlered head and looked at me. It reminded me of a bunch of ten year olds playing street football.
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Inside the dive bar the Christmas lights were twinkling, the customers were making bar noises, and juke was playing "Prop Me Up Beside The Jukebox When I Die" which if I believed in omens, I would have thought Joe Diffie's song was trying to tell me something. I guess the song was better omen than a crow singing "Nevermore." But not much. |
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When I returned to Rudy's backyard patio, I noticed how like a homey Norman Rockwell living room their setup looked. Well, except that Rockwell never drew a high tech video wall, or a Clydesdale with fake antlers and a fake red nose.
Louie handed me a refilled brandy snifter.
It was really warm in the faux room. If I keep saying "unreal" you'll probably get pissed off and go over to YouTube to catch the latest video of Japanese girls in pajamas playing with kittens who play bongos.
"Warm back here," I commented.
"It sure is," said Molly.
"It's almost time" said D'Oliya, adjusting her skirt. "Maybe we should get out of these things,"
Molly gave me smile, "And into our Christmas outfits."
"Yeah," said Louie the Leader, looking at whatever pda type thing that he and Molly were always looking at. "You need to get ready,"
The two girls disappeared behind the coat rack. While my view was mostly blocked by the coats, it looked like Molly and D'Oliya were taking off their clothe
I noticed that I wasn't the only one of us looking back there.
Glimpses of pink, made me pretty sure they were indeed changing clothes.
I glanced at my three 'drinking buddies.' They were as much low class peepers as me, because they couldn't take their eyes off what was going on behind the coat rack either.
Even Clydie was peeping them. Maybe she was a cross-dressing inter-species lesbian. That wouldn't surprise me. Nothing would surprise me on this night. At least I thought so at the time.
Louie asked, “Did you know the Romans had a Christmas, even before Christ was born?”
At that moment, I didn't care because D'Oliya emerged from behind the coatrack wearing skimply little Santa's Helper costume, one that looked like she must have bought in the Village Bondage Boutique.
Yes, D'Oliya was dressed in a Santa's Little Helper outfit, assuming Santa needed help delivering or maybe demonstrating his S&M toys."I think I'm ready." she said, doing a little runway number.
Boy, was she!
“It was called a Saturnalia, right Louie?” said D’Oliya, as she made sure her breasts weren't popping out, or maybe she was arranging them so they would. Hard to tell. I thought it required a closer look. So I looked.
“That’s right, D’Oliya. Saturnalia was like a festival where the Romans commemorated the dedication of the temple of the god Saturn. As the days got shorter, it was like, "Holyshit, we gotta turn this around."
"It was Celtic festival, too." said Molly, emerging from the 'dressing room' in a cute little outfit, with emphasis on little.
She looked as delicious as a big striped candy cane to a four-year old me.
"Saturn was the Roman god of the harvest, but Saturn needed help to turn the world into summer, so they had to get the sun god to help."
"So they had a really wild festival."
"Like a Roman orgy."
"It was a Roman orgy!"
"Then the Pope stole the idea and mixed it all up with the Solstice and Norse Yule, and the Greek god Mithras, and all kinds of other stuff.”
“Like Druids and mistletoe,” added Molly. “I did a paper on Druids as an undergrad. They were so cool! I think they knew all about string theory, even then.”
“The Christians ripped off Saturnalia from our ancestors and renamed it,” said little Vinnie. “The plagurists.”
I thought about pots and kettles and the color black.
“And then they religiousized it.” added Louie.
"But to the regular folks in the street, Christmas was still the Party To Bring Back The Sun."
And then, surprise, surprise, the started a song. And double surprise, surprise, they didn't rip off the Beatles, "Here Comes The Sun." It was an original rap.
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Back In The Day
Back in the day, yeah, back in the day, it was a natural holiday. Back in the day, yeah, back in the day, it started on the shortest day. The sun was low, the night was long, and everyone partied strong To bring back the sun To start a new year They’d feast with mead and beer. We’re taking it back We’re making it back For us and all of ya We’re shaking it back We’re baking it back Into Bacchanalia We’re goin’ all out We’re tearing it loose into a whole new mix We’re getting on track We’re bringing it back to 1646 |
(after the rap) "Christmas back then was still half pagan." "It was better than a 12 day bachelor party during Mardi Gras.” finished HiTone wistfully. Louie said, "But then the Parliament outlawed Christmas — just because Londoners had a bit of fun." "Just cause it got a little sexy." "In the streets." "In the alleys." "Tied up in the church pews." "Up against the statues." Vinnie chimed in, "Sounds kosher to me!" |
"They really outlawed Christmas?" I asked, wondering if I should believe anything these wackjobs told me.
Hi-Tone was indignent, "Absolutely, Cromwell's Parliment of 1646, they really outlawed Christmas!
Gun-Molly punched me in the arm. "Can you believe that shite?"
Not really, I thought, wondering if I could quickly look it up on Wikipedia without pissing them off.
"Self-righteous Puritans!" muttered D'Oliya.
"Cromwell created the first Christmas outlaws." added Louie. "Like we are now."
"Them Parliament dudes didn’t have no respect!" muttered HiTone.
"And it occurred to us one night…
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"Yeah, that night when we was dividing up all the stuff that had just fallen off a WalMart truck…"
"Yeah, that was when we began to wonder, why should the English of 1645 have had all the fun?" Gun-Molly said, "Yeah!" “So we’re gonna take it back.” said Louie. "The sun?" I asked stupidly. "Everything, said Hi-Tone D’Oliya added, "All of it. Every little piece." While they started to rap again, I went over to my laptop which was sitting in the middle of Molly's lightshow control board. I looked it up on Wikipedia. And damn if they weren't right. But what was this "taking it back" stuff? |
Back in the day, yeah, back in the day, it was a natural holiday. Back in the day, yeah, back in the day, it started on the shortest day. The Yule log burned to mirror the sun. And mistletoe was hung. At Solstice time Folk lost their minds And everyone felt so fine. We’re taking it back We’re making it back For us and all of ya We’re shaking it back We’re backing it back Into Bacchanalia We’re goin’ all out We’re tearing it loose into a whole new mix We’re getting on track We’re bringing it back to 1646 |
