Patton Lee Beaugus | December 18, 2010 12:45pmSanta Claus Ain't Coming No More
Louie was feeling the brandy, too. “I’m thinking of changing my name to Louie Claus.”"Or St. Louis Claus." suggested Vinnie, and then sang, "Jolly Old St. Louis Claus, bring me lotsa shit. " Then he fortunately ran out of lyrics.
“I liked it better when you were Mustache Pete,” said HiTone.
“Too old school,” replied Louie.
"We always liked our aliases," admitted HiTone, who used to be Boney Tony, a nickname that did not refer to his physic.
"I was always Vinnie."
"But now you're Velvet Vinnie," said D'Oliya cuddling the little guy.
I think my new drinking companions were losing it. This was no way to run a caper, I thought, although having never done a real caper beyond stealing candy bars from the A&P when I was nine, I'm not the greatest judge.
“By Boxing Day, old St. Nick will be permanently boxed” said HiTone, trying to change the subject. Or maybe he was too incoherent to stay on the subject.
“Boxing Day. That’s a Brit thing,” whined Molly. “Fuck the Brits.”
“Fuck Santa.”
“Fuck Rudolph,” said Clydie, the cross dressing Clydesdale. "I did."
“Nobody will miss either of them for almost a year.”
“That’ll give us time to organize.”
“And finish our songs and music videos.”
“I’ve got some really hot costumes,” D'Oliya crooned, "for the music videos."
I believed her.
“Mine are so tight, I can’t wear underwear.” D’Oliya whispered loudly in my direction. Loud enough to irritate Molly, anyway. I hadn’t got this much female attention in twenty years. What was going on?“Your other Christmas outfits are nothing but red leather Dom harnesses like something Clydie should wear,” countered Molly. “Only too small for either of you.”
My imagination boggled.
“We can be ready for next Christmas with a tv special. ‘How the Buddabings Stole Christmas’,” said Vinnie.
“It’ll be an instant classic. Bigger than the Grinch,” bragged Louie.
“Fuck the Grinch, too,” said Vinnie.
“And his little dog, too.” agreed HiTone.
“Oh, no. Not Max. I love Max,” said Molly with tears in her eyes. I thought Molly was starting to lose it more than the others.
“We’re gonna call Christmas something else,” Louie confided.
“We’re not sure what,” added D’Oliya, “but it should be something kinky.”
"I think it should be Clydiemas," said the Clydesdeer.
“If we go too pagan with the name, we might get some flack-back, so we’ve got to be pc.”
“Going too pagan might even kick us into a different reality.” said Molly. “One where we’re not even real.”
“Yeah, we gotta be subtle,” said their leader, "We don't want to end up as cartoons again."
"I do," said HiTone. "I want to do a menage a trois with Jessica Rabbit and the Little Mermaid."
“As long as we take care of the department stores and toy manufacturers, we think most everybody will go along without breaking any strings in our string theory.” said Molly.
“You can still say Happy Holidays,” sang Vinnie.
“Or have a Kickin’ Kinky Kwanza.” put in D’Oliya.
"Or Merry Clydiemas," offered Clydie.
“We ain’t messing with Chaunakau.” admitted HiTone.
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“We’re gonna back up the holidays to start on the Solstice.” “And extend it after with the 12 days of Christmas like it used to be." ”Only it won’t be Christmas any more.” "It could be Clydiemas." “And Santa won’t be coming no more. Louis will.” “And we even have a cover story of why Santa Claus Ain’t Coming This Year” “It’s really cool, like a real Republican Dirty Trick.” “We’re gonna Swiftboat St. Nick good.” “We’re gonna put it on YouTube next October.” “And nobody will care whether Santa comes or not.” “It’s to tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”  [Roll Over Santa For A Cheap Thrill] |
This Year
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[reference track for tune] You'd better not bug, you'd better not cry, Forget about gifts. I'm telling you why, Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. Santa Claus got caught doing deer, so… Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. (spoken): at least not to town. He got on a list, he got on it twice. It tells the Feds who’s naughty or nice. Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. Santa Claus got caught doing deer, so… Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. He had it on with Blizten. And with Donner, too. He did Cupid up the rump And he really liked it, too. (And the reindeer liked it, too.) You'd better not bug, you'd better not cry, Forget about gifts. I'm telling you why, Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. Santa Claus got caught doing deer, so… Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. (spoken): at least not to town. He used to watch them sleeping, til it made his antler ache, till… He didn’t know what’s bad or good, So he did bad for deer ass sake. (He’s been bad for reindeers sake) You shouldn’t think bad It’s like being gay... He shouldn’t, he knows, But he needs it that way. Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. (Spoken): Oh, no! He’s getting a nose job from Rudolph! Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. (spoken): at least not to town. Santa Claus ain’t coming this year. (shouted) Claus, you pervert! You leave that elf alone! |
“Pretty slick, huh?” said D'Oliya, spilling some brandy down her front.
“Pretty sick.” I replied, wondering if she'd let me clean up the spilled brandy with my tongue.
Molly watched me watching the spilled brand drip into D'Oliya's cleavage.
I think I was losing it, too.
